Restless

I don't know what it is and I don't know how to explain myself. Every now and then I get this weird feeling that I can't shake off. A need to get out and do something, be with friends, have an adventure, get my fill of some kind of entertainment. I feel crazy, like I am trapped in a box that I can't get out of. My insides are crawling as I am sitting in silence. I need to do something but don't know what it is and everyone is too busy or too lazy. I am loosing my mind. These nights are the hardest to fall asleep. I need to go for a 50 mile run, travel, drive somewhere far and take pictures, calm my mind or at least distract myself. This is the most awful feeling I can have because there is not much I can do on my own and I can overwhelm anyones mood or atmosphere thus making myself feel bad and feel even worse.

I just don't know what to do...

Hello Seattle

This past weekend I went up to Seattle, WA with Allie Meekins and David De Boer to just have a chill weekend. David and I stayed with John, one of his good friends, and spent most of the time with all his snow boarding buddies from Stevens Pass.

It was an amazing weekend.

There is such beauty and character in the whole city, but I am not sure if it is in the location and the buildings or just the people that make it so special. Yeah, its both. I still have a lot more to go back and see, but all the shops, markets, cafes and breweries are filled with the most interesting and beautiful things. Unique in every way. The most wonderful part is how the people are so kind. Eager to converse and hold open doors, genuine hearts. The city is in no rush. The elements of life and living there are so different from the busy, distracted and discontent of what is typically found in California. I'm really not one who would consider myself a city girl, but that was before I met Seattle. I always hated the loud busy streets of San Fransisco and Los Angeles, though some really amazing architectures and some pretty areas, I would never ever live in a place like those. Every city has sketch areas, but not all of them are outweighed by positives. I can see myself living in Seattle :)

Live Agape

Love comes in so many different ways. Maternal and paternal love, unconditional and conditional, patriotism, eros, puppy love, best of all a spiritual and divine love and still so much more.

So often I am ignorant of everything that I have, all the love that I receive from the people I encounter from day to day. I have come so far in the past of learning how to handle relationships with people I hold dear, but it is still hard sometimes. In the past I have been blind, I have been selfish and I have ignored the fragility of emotions in my friends. Not that I didn't care about others, its just I was naive and unaware of the harms that I could and have inflicted, not just on them but also myself.

Starting a couple months ago, something changed in me. I believe that with all the times that my heart has been broken and have been left for dead, I was afraid to make real connections with others. I would hangout and carry on little conversations with people at church, school and work but would distance myself and avoid making a real connection. Living at a distance was too lonely so I had to step out and I am so grateful I did. Since then I have been able to meet up with several people and have coffee or bake cookies on a warm afternoon and learn about their lives and their walk with Christ and all the things they are grateful for. As well as hearing their fascinating words I got share everything about who I am, all the struggles I have faced and how they have made me into the person I am today and that I wouldn't change a thing.

I treasure these moments. Taking the time to listen to others lives being poured out in front of me, being so intimate. Being able to take down my guard and know I am not being judged is one of the most amazing feelings I can ever experience. God has brought great people into my life because of this, to be open and loving and to inspire and be inspired. He has given me great friends to whom I can call to share my sorrows and celebrations, and he has also given me a wonderful companion that I can share the most intimate parts of my life with. For this I am grateful.

So often we may get caught up in the world and loose sight of what God has promised us and asks of us. I know I have been weak and given in to my selfish desires. I have tossed around love as if it was nothing. Of course I have truly cared about every man that I have been with, but I have been blind to the most important part of any relationship which requires God to be in the middle of it. One may say that they are a Christian, but words are just words. You have to live it. I thought the men I liked saying that they were a Christian was good enough, but all I have gotten was heartbreak. God always brings people into our lives for a reason and He will bring in the good ones when you least expect it. It has only been a short time that I have been with my sweetheart, but there is definitely something different and so good about this relationship God has given me. In many ways we are so similar, and at the same time very different. We compliment each other. He has opened my eyes and helped me to see things differently and to cherish what we tend to take for granted. But the best part of all is that he is a true man of God with a passion for His word. Man I Love that.

Love, what does it mean? The two definitions I liked were: 1) a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person and 2) a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child or friend. Profoundly tender, going far beneath what is superficial. God calls us to love. Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.

I feel God has given me the gift of love. How He will work though me I am not sure, but I am excited for that day to come when I can make a big difference in life.

:)